Pages Tabs


Bayonetta Blows... no not literally.

This game is what Devil May Cry 4 should have been. Well maybe not, I don't know how gamers would react to Dante spread eagle, doing a hand stand, with guns strapped to his feet, while shooting a bunch of floating cupid heads. It feels so much like Devil May Cry, even the over cheesy dialogue. I remember playing Devil May Cry 3, during it's first scene thinking "Wow people actually like this character? I can't even describe how stupid of a character he is, and what little effort they made to make him seem like a real person". Bayonetta is the same way, from the get go her personality is over-the-top STOOOOOOOPID.

It's one of those things that is just embarrassing to even watch, less any one else watch you play. But you know what? Lets move on. After all this game isn't about Bayonetta's personality, no. It's about the gameplay itself. So as first impressions go, it's easy, it's fast, it's cheap. It's an arcade title, something that if you went to a movie theatre and were forced to wait an extra 30 minutes before you were seated at a movie theatre it'd be something you can pop a few quarters into and button mash your way to eye candy glory. You got your shoot button, you got your punch button, you got your kick button, and you got your dodge button. Just string any of those together in any random order your over abused thumbs can muster, and you've got yourself a half decent strip show! Seriously as long as you can get a combo into a certain level, she'll drop most of her outfit, leaving her in mainly just undergarments.

And seriously what's the big deal? In the first scenes of gameplay there is a Joe Pescci type character talking to some female version of Jack Skellington in a white robe. The dialogue reveals to us that she is a nun. This nun seems to be praying over the grave of a recently deceased scumbag that Mr. Wanna-be-Pecci is happy to have gone to the "other side". Some angels begin to decend from the heavens to where mr Recently deceased is. This Skellington nun jumps into action and rips the angels to pieces revealing that she is none other than Bayonetta herself. It was precisely that moment that made me realize why I am not able to "fall to her charms". Her proportions are disturbing to me. Some people have compared her to a Barbie doll, but I think she's even worse off--especially in that so called nun outfit.

So again lets try to not talk about Bayonetta's grotesque anatomy, and focus on what this game delivers. As stories go this one isn't that interesting, Bayonetta was somehow discovered at the bottom of a lake in a coffin, by some man, somehow she ended up killing this man, the son, a 5 year old boy, watched the whole thing and swore vengeance. Bayonetta has been wandering around killing angels for 20 years with no memories of anything that has happened before she was discovered in that coffin. So of course, things happen, and as you play on she begins to unlock some of her past memories. Blah you bored yet? Yeah me too. So lets get back into what might make this game worth a damn.

Combos. Many many combos. You start off with an already hefty arsenal of combos, but at no surprise to me or anyone else I imagine, after killing enough angels you've now collected enough souls, oh shit I mean Halos to purchase more combos--and some other random shit. You can purchase health restorative items, magic restorative items, damage increasing items, new weapons, etc. So if you've played any other game like this, say Devil May Cry (duh) you already know what to expect. This game does have a few tricks up it's sleeve though I will admit. If you rotate your joystick, and push the punch or kick button, Bayonetta will go into a "Gun-Kata" style rampage (for more on Gun-Kata, see Equalibrium with Christian Bale). Which is what I was talking about in the opening line. If you push the kick button she'll go into a hand-stand and with her feet, she'll shoot anything you point your camera to--so spinning the camera around you will again give you a pretty grotesque peep show. I swear it's like one of those twilight zone movies, where someone asks for something, and it ends up killing someone else. In this case someone asked for a game where you get to see the main character act like a dirty girl! But the dirty girl is shaped like something made up by Tim Burton :(.

Ehem, again I have strayed into Bayonetta's appearance and I apologize. So where was I? Oh yes. What sets this game apart. There is also a combination system for items you find through out the game. As I ran around collecting butterflies, witch's hearts, and little colored orbs I thought to myself Just what the fuck is all this shit for? So I went into my menu and found a "Concoction" area and started "concocting". With this system you can create your own magic restoring items, health restoring items, and lots of other crap. Mainly all that same shit you can buy from some dude that looks like a Tekken 6 fighter. Who is he? Oh he's not so important, he just forges your weapons, sells you stuff, has red eyes, and gets beat up by Satan sometimes. Shut up we're moving on.

Easy, fast paced action. satisfying combo system. Partial Nudity (also a Con). Good beat 'em up, shut your brain off title.

Too easy. Anatomy needs to be enforced with this guy. Relied too heavily on Bayonetta's looks. Throw away story. not enough weapon Combos. Bayonetta's partial nudity. Oh God quick time events! I guess it makes sense in a game like this were you want people to have something to look at. But it goes against the other side of what they want to do, which is keep peoples hands free during her sexy pose moments if you know what I mean, and furthermore I just had to endure a cutscene where she challenged umm an angel to a dance/pose competition. No it wasn't hot :(. I feel like maybe this guy has never really met a real life woman, and Bayonetta plays out the way he in his own mind believes woman should act. I don't remember this being something they did in DMC but most of the time when they introduce a new boss, and they show you his name in the book, when it goes back to the actual fight, they immediately have you being attacked, so if your not used to it yet you ALWAYS loose half your life at the beginning.

Final Verdict:
Burned Toast

I'd recommend this to people who like these types of games. Even some that may have once enjoyed these but grew tired of them, and don't like the american style of any of the others that are currently popular. I don't recommend this to anyone who's expecting this to be spank material (looking' at you 13 year olds) Your hands'll be way to busy shooting angels, and hopefully your brains'll be too disturbed with the tall over skinny spider bitch on the screen to become fully aroused. Then again… Maybe I don't remember what it was like to be 13.


  1. But dude she is wearing sexy librarian glasses and has a beauty mark.

  2. Y'know her face isn't bad. It's the rest of her that ruins it :'(. So she's the opposite of a "Butter Face".


Don't be scared to join the conversation and lay your opinion down in the comments section. We just ask to be civil and keep the name calling down to a minimum.